Cats Are a Bad Decision

So, you've decided to get a cat. You're making an important life decision by adding a new member to the family, and you're raring to go.

However, owning a cat is a big responsibility! It's a new life and a new family member, who's going to be around for a very long time.

15+ years, to be exact.

This article will offer some helpful hints on adopting your new best friend, and how to make the most out of your experience. 

 

Tip #1:

Don't get one. If for whatever reason you have decided to adopt a cat, for the love of God, this is your last chance. A cat won't be your best friend. A cat will be that annoying roommate that everyone hates, but is too afraid to kick out of the lease. Afraid. 

You're about to embark on the worst 15 (+) years of your life. Getting a cat is the worst thing you could possibly do to yourself and your family.

Think of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cats are small, fuzzy balls of destruction, cunning, and absolute terror. You're preparing yourself for a lifetime of misery, vacuuming around a litterbox that is never completely clean, and waking up to a false onslaught of purring right beside your ear at 3:00 in the morning. 

 

He's not actually happy to see you, he just wants you to fill his food bowl right now, god dammit.

Tip #2:

God forbid you've already made up your mind. Or worse, your paperwork has already gone through for the adoption and now you're stuck with it. In this case, I have one piece of advice for you: do everything in your power to keep your cat happy. You can do everything possible to achieve this, just like he can do everything possible to make you absolutely miserable.

As you can see, your life is going to be in ruins while you strive to make it not so much.

That cat will break you.

 

Tip #3:

If you're absolutely stuck with the thing, I suggest you not buy anything nice for yourself for the rest of it's life span. (15 + years, in case you forgot). Your cat may enjoy belittling your intelligence and ruining your social life, but a cat enjoys nothing more than destroying anything you love. 

Rug? Pee on it.

Couch? Ruin that shit.

New electronic? Destroy the hell out of it.

Other family pets? Break their spirit.

 

 

You can't run, and you probably can't hide either.

Tip #4:

If you've adopted the newest member of the family, be prepared to be their servant for as long as they're alive. Cats have us wrapped around their tiny, sharp, dagger-like claws.

We feed them on a routine schedule. We clean up their waste. We provide entertainment and a place to sleep at night. For what? That's right: absolutely nothing.

"I guess I could rub against your leg or something."

 

Tip #5:

There is nothing I can tell you that will make the decision to own a cat any easier,  or less abrasive to your life. Cats ruin everything. Forever. Your social life and your freedom are both gone the moment that cat enters your house.